We meet again

Hey darkness great seeing you again
I really like what you've done with the place.
Those are some interesting choices you've made
with the arrangement
Putting insecurity all around your source of happiness

that just doesn't seem right

I guess it's whatever works for you

I would suggest though
if you really want this place to hurt
I'd probably take away that light in the corner
It's kind of distracting.

It could have gone unnoticed

Today I'm going to tell a story. I will warn ya'll now that this will probably be my longest entry, so if you aren't interested, that's ok. This is a story about an injustice that would largely go unnoticed otherwise.

For those of you that don't know I went to an elementary school in a very poor neighborhood. That school doesn't even exist anymore. I will also point out that as a straight white male I qualified for the Arkansas Minority Scholarship. It is offered to students who graduated from an elementary school were their race was represented by 10% or less of the graduating class. So I was the white kid in this school

Now I'm going to give you a little bit more background, but recognize that I'm not bragging, just trying to set a tone.

I was the only fourth grader in the Little Rock School District on the quiz bowl team in whatever year I was in fourth grade. That was when sixth grade was still in elementary school. The next year it only went to fifth grade, so I was also the only student in the LRSD that had been to quiz bowl the year before. I was also on matholympiads (an LRSD mathematics competition). I was also in all of the gifted and talented programs that our school offered, and I gave the graduation speech when we graduated. The teachers, counselors, and principals loved me.

I was smart. That is the point. I was smart and I thought I had potential.

Well come graduation time for fifth grade we were talking with our counselors about what classes we would be taking in middle school. How exciting! It wasn't so much which classes we would be taking, but what level we would be taking. Well for those of you who know Dunbar offers regular, and pre-ap.

Well having been the kid that was always setting the standard in elementary school I proudly told the counselor that I wanted to take Pre-AP. This is where things got shady. She looked at me (and yes for some reason I still remember this moment, maybe I knew it was going to be important later in my life) and she said, "Well Pre-AP is really hard, I think it'd be best if you took regular and see what you think about it."

Well I never questioned my counselor, Ms. Davidson, she was AMAZING. So of course I said ok and went on my merry way.

Well middle school comes along and I'm in all regular classes. And two of my teachers, in english and in social studies, were shocked that I was in regular (with all of the black kids that I went to elementary school with) and had me transferred to their Pre-AP courses. I'm grateful for this. Those regular classes were absolutely worthless. I was disappointed that I was leaving all of my friends, but I got to be put in classes where I was actually learning (with all of the white kids).

Here is my problem. Was I singled out because I was white? Did these middle school teachers think I didn't belong just because I was white? That I didn't look like the rest of the class?

But here is my deeper rooted problem.

Why did my counselor think I wasn't ready for Pre-AP. Did she tell every student at my elementary school that they should take regular? And how many of my black friends stayed in those regular classes for the rest of their school career because that's where their friends are, because that's where they looked like everyone else in the class?

How many young black kids got this awful foundation because their elementary school counselors had low expectations for their future? Because of where they come from did they limit where they were going?

How many poor black children aren't even being given a chance?

I don't know the answer to that question, but I can sure tell you this: It is a hell of a lot harder to teach a seventeen year old math when  no one ever believed in him, and he has no foundation other than regular classes, than a sixth grader with all of the potential in the world.

We have to teach kids when they are young that it's okay to be challenged. If we stick all of the black kids in the challenging classes then they can be with their friends. They can see that it's okay to be taking those classes because they are together. Because EVERYONE is doing it.

Attitudes and mindsets develop at a very young age. I think society is doing a poor poor job at recognizing this.

A Million Fake Transactions

A million fake transactions
Lined up in a row
He greets and asks them questions
does he really want to know

Do they really want to tell him
How they really are
Do they even really know
The truth seems just so far

Was that transaction successful
Did he need to know their stress
Did he need to know their day, the end
The color of their dress

He could laugh and play along
He could tell a story too
But do you really want to hear it
Should he really lie to you

Should he tell how his deep sorrow
Tears into his heart
How he’ll amount to nothing
And doesn’t do his part

Should he tell you you’re replaceable
That convenience breeds his friends
That he’s been hurt a million times before
As if it never ends

He’ll probably keep it simple
Like everything’s alright
He’ll probably have a real big smile
say have a pleasant night

Then you’ll leave and nothings changed
Through this system noone’s grown
Today he’ll do this a million more times
Then he’ll go home alone

The Party

The lights are dim
the parties wild
with people all around
if he's not careful
he'll feel as if
his feet are off the ground

The energy
is far too high
his comforts on the wall
the world is spinning
round and round
he stumbles down the hall

a little calm
is all I need
he whispers to himself
a breathe of air
a silent thought
his drinks left on the shelf

and then he sees her
eyes cross paths
how could he forget
she's his home
she's the one
she's his safety net

was only minutes
yet felt like years
that she had stepped away

feeling alone
in a room full of people
was causing him to fray

but now shes back
she's all he needs
his power and his love
they smile they kiss
she's such a gift
from heaven up above

The House

He sits in his house
but it's more like a shell
he once called this home
but today you can't tell

is this really it
how should he feel
how much was fake
and how much was real

a family so big
becomes a family so small
when noone comes home
when none bothers to call

he sits all alone
on the cold kitchen floor
he's taken so much
won't ask for much more

he wants just one more hug
one more "it's okay"
one more proud smile
one more holiday

Hold on to them tight
because they will slip away
you see family is forever
but they need you today

Innocence

The little boy runs through the fields
playing games like hide and seek
he runs around so innocent
but paths are made, don't peek

you'll be a man, his father says
be strong, be brave, provide
and when your country calls on you
you'll go along the ride

to far away places, you'll see some things
but don't you shield your eyes
you'll lose your friends to fight a war
that's mostly built on lies

then you'll go home, God only knows
that empty feeling, that pain
there's not a sun for you, oh no
there's clouds and then there's rain

You blankly stare at your wife and kids
they'll never know your hurt
just yearning for that solemn day
that you'll be in the dirt

But that's the calling of a man
and questions they don't raise
and manly men they never cry
they take it to their graves

So go now son
go play your games, the things I've said forget
your innocence remains
til society collects its debt

Lol where is this poetry coming from?

This one is I miss you :)

I toss and turn
In bed at night
you're running through my mind


Alone at home
while out you roam
the cold is so unkind

your gentle face
your warm embrace
you've taken them away

I wonder why
although I try
alone in bed I lay

my ray of hope
no need to mope
it all works out you see

When sleep deprives
my woken eyes
again you'll be with me

Shiny

So I'm gonna try something different lol. I call it Shiny :)


There's nothing more exciting
getting that brand new friend
with that shiny new friend smile
and that great new friend smell

you meet and wonder why your paths have taken so long to cross

you love everything I love
you're perfect

is that a text
a brand new notification
could it be
are you really down the street

can we be friends forever
i'm pretty sure it's destiny
we can laugh, and sing
we'll have our very own inside jokes

lets hang out
doing nothing means everything with you
i'm excited!
you're coming over!

but wait.....
you're just like everyone else?
we're not gonna be friends forever are we......

into the box you go
it's where i keep all my other friends
they were shiny once too I promise

don't worry
i'll come back for you one day
I just gotta go grow up now.

Love your enemies

This weekend we were taught about loving your enemies. I've heard it a million times before. How ideal to be able to forgive and move on from any stressful heavy situation. To look the man who verbally assaulted you in the eye and say, it's going to be alright. I will pray for you.

We all know that that is hard, and near impossible. We get caught up in moments, moments that, usually, we are proud of after the fact. I think that's ok. As long as we recognize that it's wrong. Realizing you're getting angry at someone is a great time to recognize that it's time to walk away. To use the excuse of getting caught up in the moment, over and over, is wrong because it means you know what you're doing, and you're not trying to change the situation. There's no harm in walking away. This is hard for a man to say, and yes I'm not that masculine, but I still have testosterone pumping through my blood. No man wants to be inferior. But I believe that's where the problem is.

We are raised to think walking away makes us weak. The ability to say, "this situation is not where I need to be right now, nothing good will come of it." I challenge anyone to walk away. See how easy it is. I'd say it's the most difficult choice we could make. It's also the right choice. Now if someone is attacking Ashley do I need to respond, yes! If I cannot simply walk away because I have been jumped on, it's ok to defend yourself, but I believe that this is appropriate to an extent. When the person is off of you and you can get away. GET AWAY.

These are extreme examples. I think what the real problem is is verbal assault. If there is an argument. End it. Simple. If it's only ugly, end it. We only regret the nasty things we say. Even if it feels good immediately, it's another human being we were talking to. After that sermon I messaged a guy that I hadn't talk to for a year. I told him that the way I acted was regretful. That I'd forgiven us both for the things we'd said. That I wished we could be civil again if not friends. It was simple. Forgive and forget. Yes it took me a year, but there's no need for me to harbor anger about that situation any longer. He was my enemy. The only person that I refused to be around. I don't know what came of it, he told a friend he didn't know how to respond. Whether or not we become friends again, at least I let him know that I didn't hate him. That's what really matters.

I also want talk about something else that was said in the sermon. A rough account of what he said was, "don't do this because you think Jesus will look down on you and say THAT'S MY BOY!, no, he said, do it because when those people look at you they will realize that you have something greater in your heart. Something that no one can take from you."

That is awesome. My grandmother is the sweetest woman literally in the world. She gives and gives and gives. All of her time, all of her money. She attends churches filled with tattooed men and battered women because that is where she wants to tithe. That is where she thinks people need the money, that she does not. My mother and aunts talk about how she should spend more time on herself, how she is being used by other people. My grandmother is an inspiration. What she does is for a purpose greater than all of us. She has always been that person that kept me clinging on to the little bit of faith that I've always harbored. Not the aunts that go to church twice a week, not the friends that are in all of the church plays and participate in all of the church mission trip. No. My grandmother was always my source of strength in faith. I thank her for that.

and yes, I did just go on a tangent about my grandmother that she will never see :) Good day to you all.

You gotta be number 1?

My class was posed a question last semester that continues to come back to me: In terms of a news release, is it more important to be the first, or to have all of the information.

The correct answer in that class was always, Yes.

Of course it doesn't make a relevant answer to the question, but the question is one of those that isn't universally accepted either way.

Obviously in our society you have to be first. The moment something is posted, it's considered "old news" on any other site. This is one of the downsides to the newspaper, the sports section is reporting things that I easily read 22 hours before on ESPN, or CNN. In this age of technology we get news from across the world, almost real time. So if you aren't delivering that news first, you're losing your fan base.

But I think that this perspective is awful. Being first is great, getting information is very important. But my generation is lazy. I'd argue that most of the people my age aren't getting the news because they are pursuing it, I'd say they get the news because it's shoved in their faces. There's no way to avoid it, everywhere we go information will find us.

But therein lies the ethical problem with only focusing on being the "first". How many of us will read an article, and if any other headline appears to say the same thing as what we just read, or heard about, we don't bother following up. Why? Because we assume we've already gotten all of the information. And why would not? It seems unethical for a newspaper to report on an issue that it doesn't have all of the information on.

But it happens every day. The constant need to be the first, coupled with the laziness of my generation leads to a massive orgy of half truths and misconceptions. It's irritating to talk to someone who thinks they know "everything" about an issue, when it's a fact that they don't. Or even just to have a conversation with someone who has no idea what is going on in the world around them.

I'm pretty sure the world can wait one more hour to know exactly what happened. I'm pretty sure

What do we expect?

Let me preface everything I have to say with this: I don't care for hunters. That is my bias, but I recognize it, and it has little to do with the rest of what I have to say.

Life is hard. We struggle for money, and some people achieve it through "any means necessary." It doesn't help that statistically we will remain in the same socio-economic level as our parents. So the rich will be rich and the poor will remain poor.

I know that these concepts don't completely relate quite yet but stay with me :)

Culture is such a broad and encompassing concept, but very accurately describes certain peoples ways of life. Within the hunting culture, there's a mindset: you hunt the deer, and you shoot the deer. What's wrong with shooting a deer, probably nothing. (Again this is not my battle today). Some fathers use hunting as a way of bonding with their sons. Some people escape society through deer camps, or go see their buddies and get a little drunk. Is there anything wrong with that? Absolutely not. The problem occurs when hunters lose their guns.

Wait what??

Don't worry, it's not gonna happen anytime soon. Hunters will get to keep their guns because of two things. Their second amendment rights, and the gawdy amounts of cash pumped into the NRA.

I'm not going to sit here and claim that hunters are all upper middle class Americans. I understand that plenty of poor rural Americans love to hunt as well. But there is another group of people benefiting from that "savior" of an NRA. I'll give you a hint. Every business in eye view of my father's pawn shop has gotten to experience those people in the last 3 months.

Guns don't kill people, people kill people. Ya I get it. Be impressed with your little slogan while PEOPLE continue to die. Not by stabbings, not by being "jumped", because those are people killing people. People are being shot and killed every day. PEOPLE. Not "bad" people, not "dangerous" people. PEOPLE.

Well maybe those people should own a gun. So they can protect themselves. Maybe we should all just become super human, immortal, invincible, people with tanks. Because that's how the conversation is going to continue. We allow everyone to have guns, and when the next violent weapon comes out, drug lords will own it first because they ahve the money, and then everyone else will want one to protect themselves from it. If you can't beat them, join them.

.......great......

And my grandchildren will never be able to go out and play, because children will be bringing guns to school to protect themselves from predators.

We don't NEED guns. Plenty of "more developed" countries get by just fine without them. I like to picture Western Europe as our peaceful, educated parents, and the U.S. is like their 18 year old testosterone driven son. All he wants is money and power, he hasn't really figured out yet what life is really about.

I could argue that people that think they "need" guns are driven by fear, but it could be argued that I want guns gone because of fear. And yes, that is exactly why we don't need guns. Because of fear. It's wonderful that some kids get to go play outside on a beautiful summer night and catch lightning bugs and their parents don't have to be anywhere near them. Unfortunately, that wasn't me. I got to grow up in the culture that only sees guns as weapons. No one I knew hunted, but we all knew about guns. Most of the kids I grew up with hadn't ever even been camping, but we get to see all those "benefits" of everyone getting to own guns.

The U.S.'s policies are created by Upper Class White Males. Unfortunately none of those three characteristics represents the majority of the world that we live in. I don't expect them to know where I came from, but I wish they would try and understand.